All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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