Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just googled if crying burns calories
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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