bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
