I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize