I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
