Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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