I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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