Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
