I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
