apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
