he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize