is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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