How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
