His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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