someone get that fucking seahorse.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize