Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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