I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
