im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
