How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
