At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
