I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
