seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize