We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
