Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
