I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
