walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
