this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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