Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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