I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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