My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
