So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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