he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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