i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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