Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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