My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Randomize
