If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
