my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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