He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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