Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
