if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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