You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
