Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize