3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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