So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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