We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
