I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
