I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
bring money and cleavage
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
