I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
