Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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