I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
