I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
