two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
