She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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