when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
