i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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