Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
