I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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