Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
