marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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